Bananas

A little while ago I bought these bananas and crushed walnuts, thinking I would make banana pancakes. Well I did make banana pancakes, just not very many, but I still had so many bananas.

So today at lunch I made banana walnut bread muffins. I am kind of proud of myself because at the beginning of the year I had felt really anxious about cooking/baking. Cooking and baking still make me a bit anxious but the muffins turned out well and tasty.

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Splotches

Tonight I spent some time doing something I don’t think I have ever done in my adult life. I painted. Its mostly just splotches of paint on paper but I think some of the splotches turned out pretty cool.

Its just 50 cent paint from Walmart, so nothing special but it was fun and therapeutic.

What do I like to do?

What do you do for fun?

What do you like to do?

These are all questions that, recently, I have found myself trying my best to shy away from, because I do not know the answers. It has been awhile since I have had time to think about the things I like to do, let alone do the things I like to do.

What do I do for fun?

What do you like to do?

Surely there are things that I like to do, that aren’t things that I have to do because it is my job to do. Some times my brain feels so foggy that I can not remember what I like to do. It has been a long time since I have had time to do things that I find fun.

Photo Library

Today I am thankful for Google Photos. It may be a strange thing to be thankful for but I am, because no matter how many phones I have gone through over the years, I am still able to access photos from years ago.

A month ago when I was robbed, its silly but once everything settled down and I got my phone replaced, the thing that set me off and made me cry was thinking I had lost all my photos that I had had on my phone. My physical phone could be replaced. My contacts on my phone, at least the important ones, could be replaced. But the thousands of photos that I had taken and saved of people and places, on my phone could not be replaced.

But with Google Photos, with my gmail account, I was able to still have all my past photos. Today I was able to look through photos and memories from all the way back in high school. I really don’t have a good memory, so I like to look back at pictures and remember different stages of my life, the people in my life and the places I have been.

Counseling on a good day.

This is a poem by me, inspired by my counseling session yesterday.

 

It is hard to go to a new counselor on a “good day”

To have to describe how my depression and anxiety feel on the “bad days,”

when it is a “good day,”

Not that the “good days” are good days,

they are just days that are less bad, less hard to function

I have a decade old diagnosis,

I have learned how to live with it, how to function when I do not want to

On the bad days I still have to function, even if functioning means crying in the office

I have always heard about the stereotypical depressed person, who can’t leave their bed or their home

but that is not what my depression looks like

I don’t have time for my depression to look like that,

There is life to live and things to get done, so I make myself function

I can make myself get out of bed when I do not want to, even if it is the last minute and I am going to be late for work

I can get dressed and look presentable when I do not want to, because I know I will feel worse later if I don’t

I can make myself eat when I do not want to, because I know I need to and it will give me the energy I need to function

I still feel the weight and tightness in my chest, the racing of my heart and fogginess of my head

I do not know what it would be like to not live with this weight and this fog,

for the “good days” to actually be good days

To describe what a “bad day” feels like on a “good day” feels fake, like I have to try too hard to make it sound like something is actually wrong with me, like how I feel is not “bad” enough to be bad.

Visit from Aunt Theresa

Last week I got a text from my Aunt Theresa saying that she was coming to Virginia for vacation. We wanted to make sure to meet up while she was over here, but it did not work out to meet when she was driving through Richmond on Sunday because I was working. Instead she came back up to Richmond yesterday and we had dinner together. We went over to Asado, a wings and taco restaurant, and then I took her to Stoplight Gelato for dessert.

I am glad I got to visit with her! I am looking forward to seeing her and everyone else when I go home in May.